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Congregation of Unitarian Universalists

The Realities of a Relationship

A List of Marriage Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

En Español

Because not everyone lives happily ever after...

Ministers, happily married couples and other relationship advisers feel that too many couples, especially interfaith, intercultural or interracial couples fail to discuss important questions before they marry. These are critical questions about core values couples should agree about before marrying. People are not likely to change after marriage and going into a marriage expecting to "change" someone is a fantasy that results in our high divorce rate. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so. Here is my short list that couples should consider discussing. Please take time to ask yourselves How to Plan for a lifelong marriage... not just the one day wedding. One in two marriages end in divorce, plan not to be a statistic. A wise person once said " Failing to Plan is Planning to Fail". It is not 1000 questions engaged couples should ask, or even 100 questions to answer before the wedding, but a short list to start you thinking about the problem solving opportunities and challenges that could or will arise during your married life together. Married life is not as simple as following a list of 10 important rules to a marriage, it is a journey together. You can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married, because marriages have ups and downs.

1)Have we discussed the name question? Will either or both of us change names, will we hyphenate two names? Will we form a new name and how will our children, if any be named?

2) Managing the money is a household chore, who would manage the money, set the budget, reconcile the checking account, prepare tax returns in your marriage? Because one person's debt becomes a shared responsibility in marriage, when do you reveal a substantial liability or obligation? Student Loans? Have you a clear idea of each others financial goals and obligations (loans, family assistance, as well as support agreements) ? Do we have compatible ideas about spending and saving, long term (retirement saving) as well as short term ( next car, appliance,or home purchase)? This is an important question, many marriages that fail do so because money and finances are one of the biggest conflict areas couples traditionally face. And a lot of that comes down to having enough or not having enough. This is an important question to define.

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores? Do you have the same expectations and standards? Make the bed every day? Wash clothes once a week or just when you run out of clean ones? Balance the bank statement every month or only after you are notified your checks are bouncing?

4)It is not the all important questions such as do you see life as a glass half full, half empty, or do you ask if life has given you twice as much glass as you need? The question is "what are the expectations?", do you fill the gas tank when it is half full, 3/4 down or wait until it is almost running on fumes? What will that mean next day when the other person is running late and finds a gas tank that they filled yesterday is now empty?

5) Will there be a wave goodbye, a brief kiss or a full embrace when you leave each other daily? How comfortable are we with showing affection in public, just holding hands? Will we expect to exchange gifts on every Hallmark holiday? Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect? And where and when I expect it? How important are anniversaries to each of us? Will I be upset not to receive flowers yearly on the day we first met, or is it a date neither of us remembers?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom? Can pets share our bed? What if my cat can not get along with your dog? Will the light bother you if I stay up and read? Why can't I eat crackers in bed?

8) Have we learned to tell each other what we expect ahead of time so that we are not disappointed when he/she doesn't read our mind? Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas, dreams and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs,and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education? Have we realistically discussed our parents and families' expectations of spiritual beliefs and needs and how they may conflict with our preferences and practices. Why are we planning to have a religious ceremony instead of a Civil Union? For example are there two old family christening robes you are expected to use?

10) Do we like and respect each other's friends? Are they welcome in our home anytime or only when invited? Who else will have a key to our home or know where the spare one is hidden? What if there are no friends? Does this person have a problem with intimacy?

11) Do we value and respect each other's parents and families and is either of us concerned about whether our families will interfere with the relationship? Do we both Recognize the joys and challenges of creating intimacy across cultural boundaries interfaith, intercultural or interracial couples. Are there family holiday ( Thanksgiving, Passover, Hijrah or New Year) and vacation traditions that will conflict? Will family members expect to stay with us from several days to several months every year? Will the couple be expected to stay in either familiy's home for several days to several months every year? "What do you mean you will not be here for your vacation this summer?"

12) What does my family do that annoys you? What do I do that annoys you, but you have never mentioned? Does my best friend have an annoying habit?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage? Are there some errors that are unforgivable? How and when will we resolve differences in our marriage? Will we never go to bed angry with each other, hold a grudge for weeks, months or years or resolve problems as quickly as possible. Will we seek professional counseling? together ? separately?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other person's family or cultural community, are we prepared to move? If one of us had to care for a parent suddenly in another city, how would we arrange that?

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face? Do we need a Pre-Nuptual Agreement and if the answer is yes, why?

16) Have we discussed whether or not to have children? If the answer is yes, when? (when I have asked couples whether they would start a family within a year of their marriage, nearly three-quarters said they had not discussed the timing and were surprised to discover disagreement on that point) And who is going to be the primary care giver? ...And will it be a surprise when you announce " Mom will be coming to stay with us for 2-3 months just before the baby is born, like she did with my sisters."

17) Do we share the same goals and attitudes for health maintenance, substance abuse, nutrition and exercise? Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? This should also include family health histories with genetic implications.

18)Is s/he overly dependent on family? When one of you wants or needs to make a decision, is the other consulted? or do you consult your family instead? Does s/he have a sense of humor, 'more marriages are killed by silence than by violence. ' The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. Speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow in love. Take an unsentimental look at your families -you will learn a lot about each other, for example attitudes towards women, money and ownership. Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in family homes? Are your goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to each other? Look at those character traits that add up to a good human being -the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous and most important to say "thank you" to be appreciative. Are either of you inclined to lies, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious, to be secretive? These are hard questions to ask.

19) Now that you have stated planning for your married life together, are you ready to start preparing a Wedding Service? I encourage you to to look at the selection of readings, poetry and vows that I have collected over the past 30 years and write your own Service.

Let me share these words as a meditation on the REALITIES of a Relationship.

Love should grow up like a wild iris in the fields,
unexpected, after a terrible storm, opening a purple
mouth to the rain, with not a thought to the future,
ignorant of the grass and the graveyard of leaves
around, forgetting its own beginning.
Love should grow like a wild iris
but does not.
Love more often is to be found in kitchens at the dinner hour,
tired out and hungry, lingers over tables in houses where
the walls record movements, while the cook is probably angry,
and the ingredients of the meal are budgeted, while
a child cries feed me now and her mother not quite
hysterical says over and over, wait just a bit, just a bit,
love should grow up in the fields like a wild iris
but never does
really startle anyone, was to be expected, was to be
predicted, is almost absurd, goes on from day to day, not quite
blindly, gets taken to the cleaners every fall, sings old
songs over and over, and falls on the same piece of rug that
never gets tacked down, gives up, wants to hide, is not
brave, knows too much, is not like an
iris growing wild but more like
staring into space
in the street
not quite sure
which door it was, annoyed about the sidewalk being
slippery, trying all the doors, thinking
if love wished the world to be well, it would be well.
Love should
grow up like a wild iris, but doesn't, it comes from
the midst of everything else, sees like the iris
of an eye, when the light is right,
feels in blindness and when there is nothing else is
tender, blinks, and opens
face up to the skies.
~ Susan Griffin

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